In 2003, at 19, I stumbled into a world that changed my life forever.
I had a varied, interesting and somewhat confusing religious upbringing. Born to parents who were not active or practising in any religion, I had no real religious family education. I was christened in the Anglican church, as that's just what my family did, and attended a youth group with a religious bent with my older siblings, but don't really remember the religious education side of it being a big part. My kindergarten/primary school (age 3-10) had an Anglican focus, but no real religious teachings.
I was effectively an "altar boy" when I was in intermediate school (11-12), singing for a local choir, at one point in front of the Archbishop of Canterbury, but again, no religious education was pushed on me.
When I was 13, I was accepted to a local Catholic school, on my grades and musical abilities. As one of the 9% non-Catholic, I found mass to be strange and long/boring, but loved the music. In religious education classes, I asked questions like, "Why does Mary wear blue?" to the point where the nuns just shook their heads at me.
I still believed in God as a teenager. God was a given, a constant, a force in my life. Jesus was a prophet and a leader, but I didn't feel the connection to mainstream Christianity that I thought I should. My views on women's rights, pre-marital sex, homosexuality and the like were (are) all very liberal, and I felt conflicted about Catholicism, and the general feel of Christianity in general, especially the idea of proselytising.
Having had online friends in the US since I was 13 (holy crap, my kids are not doing that), I was excited to have the opportunity to go and work in upstate NY, then NYC when I was 19. Little did I know, but the performing arts centre I was working at was 90% Jewish. Jews. Jews everywhere. Jewish kids I was teaching, Jewish friends in my bunk area, Jewish camp directors. Fiddler on the Roof. Hannukah. Yiddish. Talk of Shabbat and Purim and Yom Kippur. Kosher food in the dining hall.
What was this religion, these traditions, this way of being? A sense of community, a sense of family, an understanding between Jews, a respect for one another. Inside jokes, mitzvah, names like Goldstein and Rosenburg and Schwartz. And then me, this Kiwi girl with a Scottish name and red hair. Intrigued and feeling like I needed to step up.
I didn't know much. I still know so little. It is a lifetime of learning. I started to read. Judaism comes in many forms, with many different views and beliefs. There is a saying - two Jews, three opinions. In Liberal Judaism in particular, you are free to explore and develop your own beliefs, and discussion is largely encouraged. Beliefs differ within one single congregation. But most importantly, it is open enough to respect the rights of its people, to respect women's bodies and their choices, and the human rights of homosexuals. To accept that there are Jews with different levels of observance, and different ideas on how to be a Jew.
My friends and family know little more about Judaism than Jewish jokes, Yiddish exclamations, the Holocaust and ancient stereotypes about moneylenders and hooked noses. To me Judaism today is about family. A family gets together for dinner every Friday night, lights candles, says prayers, eats together. They share their week. They talk about their lives. They drop whatever they are doing to come together and talk Torah, to be together.
The holidays are about looking back at the past and forward to the future. Services are about embracing the community and making close connections, discussing beliefs and Torah, educating children on how to be better people, good adults. Life is about living the best life you can.
And then there is Shabbat. The day of rest. The more I read about this, the more I understand - taking a break from your busy life. Not just a day off work, but a day off of all the stresses or chores you need to do. A day where you go outside or talk with your family, see friends, do something you enjoy. It started to mean so much more to me a few years ago, and despite being a shift worker who is at work every Saturday, I started to take one day a week as my Shabbat, as my rest.
I had also had a long history of distaste for pork (and often for beef), and had started to eat less and less. Reading about Kosher eating inspired me to give it a try, to try and embrace one aspect of a religion I couldn't really dive into yet. 6 years later and I'm still not eating pork, though I wouldn't say that I follow the Kosher rules in full.
I took baby steps. Reading. Talking. Online communities. Rabbis. Reading the Tanakh. I started to shape an idea of what I wanted my life to be - I wanted to be included in this, to have this history continue with me, to no longer just be spiritual or believe in God, but become a part of a rich history of people. And although this meant taking on a dark history and a lot of persecution, I felt a pull to be one of God's chosen people.
One of my dreams is to raise my children as Jewish, and I am excited to begin. To instill in them the values that I see so much within the religion, and the sense of community and family that I feel when I think about being a Jew. I am not a Jew yet. I live as a Noachide, someone who observes the lifestyle and faith, but isn't formally a part of the club. I have not taken that final step yet, but after nearly 8 years of studying and reading and trying to live the best life I can, in a few months I'll be saying "I'm Jewish. I chose to be."
And I felt, in those many months in America in 2003, that I had come home. That I had found my spiritual place, my faith, my religion. I felt like I had turned and stepped onto the right path for me.
And I truly feel that this is how it was supposed to be. I think I have always been Jewish. God just wanted me to find it myself.
My surname screams Scotland. It isn't a Jewish name. But it will be.
